Fire Kissed Flank Sizzles

Spicy Hips Move in Time… Heat

Hearts Throb all Night Long

Even months before the pandemic hit, I was searching for another creative outlet. I was a little burnt-out on food, as happens from time to time. Food is an art to me and sometimes I’m just not inspired. Thinking about food all day everyday can get tiresome. Usually I just sit back and wait for the inspiration to return.

I was having a flirtatious texting relationship with a woman I had recently connected with. We had a bunch of mutual friends, were both single parents with little to no time on our hands, and it was fun. One night we were texting and I said I was headed off to the store to get myself a little ice cream bar treat. I was trying to be funny and made a seductive comment involving her and ice cream. She suggested I write her a haiku about it.

I chuckled to myself and thought “Why not? I haven’t written haiku before but maybe this would be fun.”

“Okay, hang on.” I quickly googled haiku. I knew it had to do with syllables. 5, 7, 5 is what the internet said. Three lines. This would be easy I thought.

In another couple of minutes I had written my first haiku.

Twix Creamy Frozen

Tingle and Delight Me

Play Among the Sheets

She was quite amused, and so over the course of the next few weeks I created more. I called them Erotic Food Haiku. I asked her if there were any foods she didn’t like. “I hate beets,” she responded. I was up for the challenge. I could make beets sound sexy!

Roasted Golden Beets

Glistening and Wet

Open to my Loin

And so they continued. I asked her to challenge me with new ingredients. One morning I texted her early after I dropped the boys off at school. She responded with one word. Coffee!! Perfect, I was tired and the drive to get the boys to school was a three-hour round trip for me.

Three Hour Drive Sucks Ass

Steaming Java Holds Me Up

Kiss My Lips Sweet Bean

I do a five-course plated wine dinner every other month or so at 95A and I wrote a haiku to correspond with each course for one of the dinners. I only read them to a select few tables at the dinner. People I knew well and was sure wouldn’t be offended.

Freshly Soaked in Lime, Sweet Shrimp Melting my Cold Heart, Hot Ceviche Dreams

Glazed Pork Bellies, Succulent Baby Pears Sweat, Orgasmic Greens Sooth

Wrap my Loin Tightly, Sliced Thin Dripping with Desire, Gliding Down Her Throat

Lady Fingers Soaked, Velvety Sweet Cream Melts Me, Open Bitter Heart

It was just fun. I could be silly and creative. The bakery next door was staffed entirely by women and we set up a weekly haiku reading for them. It was quite hilarious. I tried to make waffles sexy and failed.

Sticky Sweet Butter, Crispy Golden Ridges Drip, Lick My Waffle Plate

Some food is just naturally sexy:

Steaming Hot Mussels, Kissed by Sweet Heat…. Open.To Delight my Tongue

Eyes Glow… Time Stands Still, Crispy Bacon Melts My Heart, Possibilities

I became bored with it after a month or so and felt like I was just using the same words a lot. But who knows, maybe I’ll dive back in someday and Paolo’s Erotic Food Haiku could be my next coffee table book, complete with sexually-suggestive food photography!

Executive Chef and author with 30 + years in the service industry. I have two amazing sons and a passion for food and the restaurant industry.

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